Year long journeys are tough. How do you properly document your way while still progressing? What seems important now may not be important in the future. At the time, these events all appear necessary and essential. Where do I cutback in favor of time and valuable experience? Documenting my progress day to day this becomes a somewhat minor problem. But, now trying to do a weekly recap, I find there’s much I didn’t say. This post then, will focus primarily on the mental side of things as opposed to the processing aspect of it.
Overall, I cannot stress how productive this first week has been. I’ve always heard that from those who take on similar projects, but I never expected it myself. The insights I’ve learned have changed the way I think of things. In some ways, I cannot fathom continuing this for a whole month let alone a full year. It’s actually a little bit scary and overwhelming. But, I feel this is an important realization on its own. Anything worth having is earned, and there’s a satisfaction that comes in facing that apprehension.
Somewhat relevant to the apprehension is the simultaneous urge to hurry up. During the week, I found it extremely difficult to focus on one Grade at a time. I kept wanting to ‘do’ something. This to me, is a really hard characteristic to face. There’s a part of me that always feels restless, even if I’m perfectly content where I am. I know, that’s difficult to understand, even for me. But, this week, I tried very hard just to focus on where I’m at. There’s plenty to contemplate or do! That urge to rush through I really do think is a challenge of human nature.
Apprehension and restlessness are seemingly minor challenges in comparison to sheer laziness. The kind laziness I discovered this week though, I’ve never known before. Let me be clear, I wasn’t physically lazy. I updated the blog once a day, I read twenty chapters in The Mystical Qabalah, and I did all my tarot meditations and journal reflections. This week was a busy week in terms of all that. But, mentally, I found myself quite tired. It should be noted, I suppose, that tiredness and laziness are not the same thing. However, my tiredness soon turned into a sort of mental laziness.
To describe what this is like would sound almost ridiculous, but I’ll try. I found myself waking up eager to reflect or writing in my journal, but reading another chapter seemed difficult. I had to bring myself to read at least one chapter a day, and two, well two was even more of a task. This mental tiredness actually started to block my ability to receive information. The interesting part though, lies in the ability to actually sleep and dream. As far as sleep is concerned, I haven’t slept better. Correlated or not, my nightmares seem to have abated for now at least.
Just to give an overview of this week’s lessons, I learned one main thing: I’ve always studied the Kabbalah. This theme took a couple days to piece together, but it seems rather important. Why? I don’t really know yet. In learning this, I seem to have spent quite a bit of time reflecting on the sphere of Tiphareth. This is a little surprising to me, but it’s also presented itself in some emotionally based ways. These are primarily what I should be talking about I suppose, but I did want to highlight that possible theme for the week. I’ll try to capture one every week if I can.
Tiphareth is the sphere of the sun, something I closely associate with healing. But, this week, I’ve come to realize there’s also an added characteristic: confidence. How or why this is, I’m not quite sure. There are reasons I can see in the reasoning, but I’m just not sure yet as to get a clear picture. For me, this has been very heartwarming. I lack confidence, so to get some, is a very new feeling. I’m not uncertain in my beliefs, although they do feel somewhat surreal. And, that is only in the first week! It makes me wonder what’s ahead even more.
Going forward, I’m happy with what I’m doing. One thing seems to stand out to me though, this will be a habit forming process. Taming the part of me that wants to rush things will be difficult, but I hope, somewhat easier with time. This week, I will hopefully just slow down, and enjoy the journey! Also, I want to just meditate a little more on the issue of silence within this curriculum. The issue seems to be lingering in my mind, so I need to examine that a little more closely. But, going forward, I’ll certainly be watching for any patterns or coincidences that come up as well.