This week has hit me hard, and not in any way I even could anticipate. While a lot has changed, I’ve barely been able to keep up! Because of that, you’re probably looking forward to this week’s update. Well, here’s a quick look at some of the progress made this week. Be warned, it really was a strange week. I’m even a little nervous sharing some of the conclusions and decisions I’ve made. But, life is for the living. So, let’s get started with your weekly recap!
To begin, I want to start by saying I didn’t get much of my list from last week accomplished. That doesn’t mean I wasn’t busy doing other things however! In fact, I can’t recall a time where I’ve been so busy going from one thing to the next. So, what happened? Well, I had a moment where I realized I wasn’t exactly content in my curriculum. Something was off, just like that, and I spent the week trying to figure out what it was. Luckily, I did figure it out. However, this has caused me to do a lot of soul searching, quite literally.
The realization I’ve had to come to is that my religion has changed. There were hints of this, shifting from Wicca to Witch. Moving my focus from Wicca to the Occult. I’m not a Wiccan, and I’ve slowly separated myself from that label more and more. But, it left me asking what I actually was. At first, Hellenist seemed most fitting. A little soul searching though, and I’ve come to realize many Hellenists differ in their outlook. This is so much so, that we have very little in common. So, where did this leave me?
In the end, I’ve discovered that I’m actually blending my Hellenism with Christianity. This was done through what I’ve learned of Hermetics and the Kabbalah. As you can imagine, the realization of having done this was quite scary. It’s actually brought up a lot of hurt I didn’t know I had in me. There was pain, struggle, and I just ignored it for a while. To be honest, I haven’t been the best at talking about it. My blog updates dropped off as a result of that this week. Yes, I even depended largely on the Tarot for insight into what I was thinking or feeling. And, actually, it helped me just enough.
Blending Christianity and Paganism isn’t entirely new, it’s just been relabeled multiple times over. What is new however, is combining Christianity and Wicca. This confuses many people, including me, when trying to research the topic from an Occult perspective. There are literally tons of labels I came across, and none were very promising. But, after distinguishing between Occult and Wicca itself, well, things got a little bit better. But still, I was emotionally fighting the idea of Christianity coming back into my life at all.
Ultimately, I have decided to embrace that I believe in some form of Christianity. With a little research, I think it’s probably a form of Esoteric Christianity, Inner Christianity, or Christian Witchcraft. This has had huge implications for me, more so in how I feel on an emotional level. I’ve carried a lot of baggage with my past beliefs in Christianity. Having such pain resurface, have to be embraced, and moved forward from is not an easy task for a single week. Honestly, I couldn’t have done it without a very supportive husband who listened more than talked.
After a little digging, I selected some books to read in addition to some from the Kabbalah Magic course. Taking a quick look, it’s going to be a long tough journey for me. I think many of the books are written for Christians getting into the Occult. Very few books seem written for the reverse situation, or me. So, I’m going to just see what happens for a week. My mind is literally getting to play with Christian Mythos for a week. Yeah, that’ll be fun. I’m either going to anger Christians, Pagans, or both at once. But at this point, I’m just trying to have an honest discussion about beliefs that are true no matter the gods involved.
So, where does this leave me? Well, I feel like I’m in a tough spot. I’m worried both communities will hate me. But fear is never worth embracing. It must be conquered and faced, so I’m doing that. If this is a mistake, you’ll be the first to know after me. But if it’s not, I think the path can be very rewarding. What I can promise is this blog will never become an extreme form of Christianity blog. That, will not happen for reasons deep within my personality. But, perhaps at its best, this blog can become a merging of ideas and beliefs. I’d like to think of this place becoming a resource for those wanting to balance Christianity and Paganism from a Pagan perspective. We’ll see!